I Said #YestoGod

This has been the hardest study I've ever gone through. All through it more events have occurred and more challenges than the last several months. The biggest one is my current relationship and the challenges we've had.

For those of you who know from a previous mention, I am courting a man who is in the military. He is also long distance and I am a very friendly type of person. Loyal. I cherish any friendship I've had. I struggle with separation and loss even if the loss is helpful to me, to the point of feeling overwhelmed. The calling God has on his life is making me have to face so much loss. Including two friendships that were not healthy.In addition, I hate death.

Especially with these threats of Syria going on.
Last night my mind filled with overwhelming thoughts of being ill equipped, helplessness, weakness, and lack in confidence that I just couldn't do this. I fought him hard as more and more fears crept up till I had to make a choice.

Last night was the pivotal turning point of our relationship. I sat on the brink of breaking, calling everything quits and going back to a comfortable life without scary decisions. As my boyfriend shared the possibilities of his future with me, my mind swirled and all I could do is agonizingly cry out to God from my spirit for clarity and comfort. 

The reading of God's Word and a double confirmation of certain Scriptures immediately brought rest to a burdened soul.
I recalled how about a month ago when I first started this study, God chose to bring me to a church (after my local church broke up) where I have the opportunity to study Dave Ramsey's Financial Peace University at a major discount and learn to manage a budget and basically take care of my finances in a way where I would feel competent in it. It also happens to be the same denomination my boyfriend is.

God is equipping me. He is using every incident, every bit of this separation from my boyfriend, and these tools, He's presenting to help me prepare for this. Why He's chosen me for this kind of life? I don't know. I have no clue because it goes against every bit of my nature and personality, but if I was equipped in the beginning, how could God get the glory in any of this?

Now, I have the choice. I could choose to walk away from all of this. Wait for a man who I could live a more comfortable and quiet life without the possibility of war on the horizon and losing the very man I'd marry, but then that would make no sense to what he has felt called to in life that is beyond military life. This is my opportunity to trust.

Two dear friends gave me this little calendar devotional book for my birthday that I am cherishing because each day the verse and the devotional have spoken to me. It wasn't till past midnight that I was drawn to its pages. The excerpt read:

"About midnight Paul and Silas were praying and singing songs to God as the other prisoners listened."

~Acts 16:25

"Great acts of faith are seldom born out of calm calculation. It wasn't logic that caused Moses to raise his staff on the bank of the Red Sea....And it wasn't a confident committee that prayed in a small room in Jerusalem for Peter's release from prison. It was a fearful, desperate, band of backed-into-a-corner believers. It was a church with no options....And never were they stronger. At the beginning of every act of faith, there is often a seed of fear."

Wow....just wow. What can I say to that? Again, I am reminded that my future is not my own. It's God's to use how He intends. I could just snatch it out of His hand and live my life the way I see fit and pleasant. But I want God's blessing in my life. I want God to have the glory through me. I want to see what all this struggle, pain, and uncertainty is leading to. 

Call me adventurous or call me foolish, but I know when God is leading me and I'm definitely being lead to something. God loves me so it will be good even though I can't see all the blessing from it yet. I can say that removing these friendships from my life that were unhealthy attachments is opening my eyes to how much I depend on friendships for my own worth when God wants to show me my identity in Him.

My boyfriend is constantly reminding me how valuable I am in God's eyes and that my worth is not determined by man's standards. Yes we have flaws. I do, he does. But looking beyond those flaws and choosing to love is giving me a whole new perspective on life and what love is. We are told by the world that love is a feeling. 

That if the feeling goes away for whatever reason that the love goes away too, but it's not true. Love is a choice. I have said #yestoGod in everything I've been asked to do so far and blessing is ahead. Growth is happening. It may not make sense to me now, but it will because God has this. He has me, He has my future, my boyfriend, my boyfriend's future, and Lord willing our future together in His care. 

Saying yes has been so hard through this time. I've lost so much and continue to lose things I've held dear, but what I am gaining exceeds the losses, one of which is a boyfriend who is committed to seeing this through and has been loving me through all my mess. God is writing this love story and there's a good ending.

It's sad that this is the last blog entry for this study. Thank you for reading through my life ramblings. I have been blessed by those who are following, commented, or both. You ladies have inspired me to keep writing and have been uplifting in ways you don't even realize. Praise God for the body of Christ.

With love and compassion,